Me and Julio, or Julio and I?

This is something I still trip over in informal writing. I generally type out “me and so-and-so” and then the little grammar nerd in the back of my head tells me to correct it to “so-and-so and I”. Then I have a little debate over how stuck-up it would sound if I changed it, and whether it would even be correct. This is all ridiculous, of course, because 90% of my communication is via text message, and as long as the message doesn’t read “me n jim goin 2 da sho. c u 2nite” then nobody is going to question my intelligence. For the record, if you do use netspeak, I will question your intelligence. I’m not going to say I didn’t go through a serious netspeak phase, but c’mon, people. We have autocorrect and predictive text now.

So let’s review the rules, for when you want to sound smart.

First off, there’s the matter of manners. For whatever reason, it’s not polite to put yourself first, even in writing. Of course, it would sound weird to say “I and you”, but “me and you” is pretty common. Technically, the I or me should always come after the other noun, or nouns, in the list: you and I; my dog and me; Bart, Milhouse, and I.

Where people often go wrong is using I versus me. I think most of us were corrected enough times in elementary school that our brains just default to “you and I”, even when “you and me” is correct. For example “just between you and I” gets thrown around from time to time, even though it is grammatically incorrect.

We have subjective and objective pronouns in English. I, he, she, we, and they are subjective pronouns, meaning you would use them when you are describing the subject in the sentence:

• I went to school today.
• She went on and on about grammar.

Me, him, her, us, and them are objective pronouns, meaning you would use them to describe the object in the sentence:

• My husband made me dinner.
• Did you read her brilliant blog post?

When the subject or object in a sentence is singular, it’s usually natural to use the correct pronoun. You would never say “Me went to school today” or “My husband made I dinner”. But sometimes when the subject or object is two or more nouns it doesn’t sound quite as odd:

• Lisa and me went to school today.
• My husband made Ralph and I dinner.

These examples are incorrect, and the easiest way to tell if they are incorrect is to take out the additional noun. When you take Lisa and Ralph out of the sentences, you’re back to “Me went to school today” and “My husband made I dinner”.

Proper nouns, like Lisa and Ralph, stay the same whether they are the subject or the object. Likewise you, and regular nouns like the cat:

• you drove us to the airport / we drove you to the airport
• the cat followed him / he followed the cat

This is likely where the confusion comes in when you add I or me to the list. You can pair you with either I or me, depending on whether they are the subject or object. Other subjective pronouns need to be paired with I: he and I, she and I. Other objective pronouns need to be paired with me: her and me, them and me.

So back to “just between you and I”. This is incorrect because “you and I” is the object in the sentence. The subject is what is between the two people (a secret, an opinion) so “just between you and me” would be correct.

Like many of the other rules I post about, this matters most in formal writing. “Me and so-and-so” is common enough that you probably wouldn’t even notice it in speech or informal writing… or in songs.

Putting the “me first” rule aside, was Paul Simon using the correct pronoun in “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard”? The long answer: yes, because the lyric is “Seein’ me and Julio down by the schoolyard” so the subject is the one who is seein’, and the object is “me and Julio”. The short answer: of course he’s right… he’s Paul fucking Simon.

Blundering Numbskullery

It’s Friday. You don’t want to learn about a bunch of grammar rules, right? You want to go home and relax, maybe grab a beer. So I’ll give you a break this week.

I was thinking about the word idiom, which of course led me to think about the word idiot, which led me to think about all the words we use to describe someone who is acting like an idiot. So I looked them up… and ooooh man. There are more than I ever imagined.

I don’t really know how I feel about this. On the one hand, having a great word to hurl at someone who has cut you off in traffic is a beautiful thing. On the other, using words to degrade those who actually have an intellectual disability is obviously terrible. I also live in a time when words like idiot are no longer used to describe people with genuine disabilities. We have plenty of politically correct terms that have long since replaced the derogatory ones. Does that make it ok to revert back to those terms to describe someone with full intelligence who does something stupid? Some words are off-limits in this sense, of course, particularly ones that actually describe a disability. But where’s the line? What does it say about our society that we have so many words to knock people’s intellect? Are we just really mad, or is there some sort of superiority issue to blame?

Now I’ve gone and gotten all deep. Sorry, I told you I was giving you a break. I’ll get to the good stuff. Here’s a small list of some of the many, many synonyms for idiot. I’ve left out the most offensive terms… at least the terms that seem the most offensive in 2017, anyway. Except swears. Swears are our friends.

• airhead
• ass
• assclown
• asshat
• bimbo
• birdbrain
• bonehead
• boob
• buffoon
• chowderhead
• dimwit
• dipshit
• dipstick
• doofus
• dumbass
• dummy
• dunderhead
• fool
• fopdoodle
• fuck-knuckle
• fuckwit
• ignoramus
• jackass
• know-nothing
• knucklehead
• lummox
• meathead
• moron
• muttonhead
• nimrod
• nincompoop
• ninny
• nitwit
• numbskull
• pinhead
• shithead
• shitwit
• toolbox
• twit

For the record, my favourites are asshat, fuck-knuckle, ignoramus, nimrod, numbskull, and shitwit. Also for the record, “blundering numbskullery” is a quote from Mr. Burns: arguably the cartoon king of slinging insults.

Hopefully this gives you some fresh ideas to yell from the safety of your car-bubble the next time some know-nothing nitwit pulls a bonehead maneuver in traffic. There’s a lot of dumbass muttonheads out there. Stay safe. And please feel free to add your favourites in the comments, especially those not on the list!

Practice vs. Practise

Years ago, I was a Registered Massage Therapist, and had to regularly refer to my massage practice, or how I was practising massage. I’d type either word out, and every time, decide it looked wrong with an s or a c, depending on which I chose. Then I would change it to the opposite spelling, and decide that looked wrong too. This is what growing up in Canada is like—you often don’t know which spelling is “right” because you are constantly seeing words spelled two different ways.

So let’s clear it up. Practice can be a noun or a verb. In American English, both forms are spelled with a c:

1. It’s quite amazing that Dr. Nick Riviera still has a medical practice.
2. Lisa was practicing her saxophone in her room.

In other English-speaking countries, the noun is spelled with a c, and the verb is spelled with an s:

1. It’s going to take some practice to jump the Springfield Gorge on your skateboard.
2. Ned practises his religion almost too religiously.

When using the noun, it will always be practice, such as a medical practice, a soccer practice, or a meditation practice.

When using the verb, it depends on your audience. If you’re writing for American readers only, you’ve got it easy: practice, practiced, practicing—forget you ever saw it with an s. If you’re writing for an audience outside just the U.S., then you’ll want to use the verb with an s: she practises, I have practised, they are practising. 

I wish I had a handy way  for you to remember which spelling to use, but I’m at a loss. Feel free to comment if you’ve got a good one!

 

Can Alright be All Right Already?

I like alright. I use it all the time. But when I’m editing, or writing something more formal, I use all right to appease the hard-core word-police types. We’ve got already and altogether, so why not alright? 

Similar to already and altogether, alright can have the same meaning as it’s two-word counterpart, or a different meaning. I’ll explain this in example form:

1. Lisa was pleased to see that her answers to the exam were all right.
2. Lisa was pleased to see that her answers to the exam were alright.

Now, would Lisa be pleased if her answers were just alright? In this case, the first example means that the answers were all correct, while the second means the answers were meh… acceptable.

Let’s look at another example:

1. When Maggie fell off the couch, Marge quickly picked her up to see if she was all right.
2. When Maggie fell off the couch, Marge quickly picked her up to see if she was alright.

In this case, both examples mean the same thing: Marge wanted to check if Maggie was okay or unharmed.

You can look at Oxford Dictionary’s take on alright, which includes a quirky video narrated in a delightful accent.

My vote: let’s make alright legit! Because we’ve been using it for long enough, and life is full of things that are meh… acceptable.

 

I.e. versus E.g.

Until not all that long ago, I thought i.e. and e.g. meant the same thing. When I was a kid, I assumed some lazy English-speaker made up e.g. because they pronounced example with a g—”egzample”. Of course you would have to ignore the period between the e and the g, and ignore the fact that this is ridiculous logic.

Latin is to blame. Both are abbreviations for Latin terms: i.e. stands for id est, meaning “that is”, and e.g. stands for exempli gratia, meaning “for example”.

Since it’s unlikely that you’ll remember Latin words, use the i and the e to guide you. I.e. and that is both have an i. Other (probably more effective) tricks for remembering i.e. are using in other words, or in essence as its meaning. E.g. and for example both have an e. Or perhaps I’ve burnt “egzample” into your brain already.

So let’s use them in a sentence (get used to Simpsons references):

1. While Homer isn’t going to win father of the year, he certainly loves his children (i.e., Bart, Lisa, and Maggie).
2. We received yet another noise complaint at 742 Evergreen Terrace—i.e., the Simpson family’s home.

In both examples, you could replace i.e. with that is (or in other words). You would use i.e. to clarify what comes before it.

1. I want to get a beer somewhere dark and dingy, e.g., Moe’s Tavern.
2. Ms. Krabappel could call on one of her students (e.g., Martin Price or Nelson Muntz) to answer the question.

In both these examples, you could replace e.g. with for example. This one is fairly self-explanatory. Use e.g. to introduce an example, or examples.

You’ll notice that in the example sentences I used a comma, parentheses, and an em dash to separate the abbreviation and words that follow. They all work. Use the punctuation that suits the sentence best. Also, I have only italicized i.e. and e.g. throughout this post for emphasis. You would not normally use italics, as in the example sentences.

For the record—I have never once used i.e. in my own writing, with the exception of this post. Straight-up don’t like it. I guess I just like giving egzamples.